How to Cope with the Loss of a Pet

By Cherokee Billie

If you have lost a part of your heart with the death of a pet, read this. I’ve had pets throughout my life.  Each one has been special and I’ve had everything from turtles, dogs, cats, birds, and even mice.  The relationship between humans and animals is special. The loss of a pet is devastating, and many pet owners find the grief associated with the loss of a pet just as or even more challenging than the loss of human loved ones. People who do not experience the deep love and companionship of a pet find this difficult to understand and may not be able to validate the experience of the person who is grieving.

Funerals for pets are becoming more common but are still not commonplace. Because the loss of a pet is not experienced in the same universal way that we experience the loss of a human in our lives, pet parents often feel isolated and misunderstood during their grief. When someone’s pet passes, only those who love animals a great deal and regard them as members of the family understand the magnitude of this event. That universal sense of support that we find so helpful in times of human loss and bereavement can be starkly lacking when a pet departs. This lack of universal empathy is one of several reasons why pet bereavement poses unique challenges.

I lost one of my beloved dogs Lady in 1986 to cancer and I went into a deep depression.  She was my only child as I had never had children.  Many people did not get the level of hurt and pain I was feeling.  I was even told by a medical doctor, “it was only a dog.” The insensitivity of people was overwhelming to me.  I have always been able to communicate with animals and always mourned the loss of my pets. Lady’s death had been different because she had cancer and I chose to do chemotherapy and try to heal her.  She had to be taken care of 24 hours a day and I could not leave her.  She was unable to urinate and I had to drain a bag for her every few hours.  Also I had to liquefy food and put it down her throat. I could not leave her for a minute and I stopped working to devote my time to her. That was one of the reasons her death was so hard on me because I took care of her nonstop for 4 months.

Finally I knew there was nothing more to do and she had to be put to sleep.  That was 32 years ago and it still affects me.  I know her spirit lives on and we will meet again.  But there’s certain things that happen that remind me of her. One in particular is I used to sing to her Foxy Lady by Jimi Hendrix.  Years after her death that song came on the radio and I started crying uncontrollably.  I’m sure many of you can relate to what I am saying.  Each animal is precious and they have their unique little personalities.

Pets love us unconditionally. Being there to love and support us is a pet’s primary job. They think our extra 15 pounds is super snuggly, our garlic-laced lunch smells delicious, and our old tattered sweatshirt is the softest thing ever. Whether our bank accounts overflow or overdraw is of no concern to them. However we are is wonderful in the eyes of our pets. Unfortunately, human relationships often do not provide this level of loving acceptance.

Pets know our secrets. Our pets have seen the most vulnerable sides of us. They have bore witness to our best moments…and our worst. They have seen our tears and know our true feelings perhaps better than anyone else, partly because of their keen perceptiveness and partly because we do not feel the need to hide it from them.

Pets are dependent upon us and are, in a sense, like perpetual “furry children.” Our pets derive their food, shelter, affection and entertainment directly from us just like children. The deep love and intimacy of that bond does not change as our pets get older. Our pets do not move off to college, get married, and start families of their own. We are their entire world. And, for some of us, they are ours. To lose this very special type of relationship rivals or surpasses bereavement of other types, and can constitute a trauma in the life of the human left behind.

While the loss of a pet holds special challenges for the pet parent, the elements of grief that we feel when we lose a human still apply. For example, bereaved pet parents are plagued with irrational guilt. The last time you ignored the shaking toy at your feet and turned away to finish work on your computer haunts you, even if you usually indulged your pet with playtime. Questions like “What if I hadn’t been two weeks late scheduling the annual veterinary exam?” taunt you, even when nothing could have changed the outcome. Bereaved pet parents are often angry that their pet was taken from them by disease or accident or just generally angry that pets are destined for a shorter life span than us humans. For animal lovers, even a “long life” for our pet is simply never long enough.

If you are struggling with the loss of a pet, consider the following points to help you in your journey:

Remember-Your grief is valid. While some people who have a different type of understanding or relationship with animals may not be able to relate or support you in your time of need, other animal-lovers who feel similarly to you understand the depth of your pain. Connecting with others who understand pet loss can help lessen the feeling of isolation and negative judgment you may experience from others in your life.

Don't compare your grief to anyone else’s experience. Focusing on whose loss is “worse,” as some want to do, is not helpful. What matters is that this is your loss and you have to cope with it in your own way. Even if others do not respect that, respect that for yourself.

Realize that the guilt you feel is irrational is a normal part of the bereavement process. Simply knowing this will not stop these feelings from happening, but it will help you to work through them when they do.

Bereavement is a temporary state that feels like it is going to last forever. The passage of time will do a lot to help you to smile and laugh at the good memories and appreciate the positive impact that your pet had on your life.  Now I’m able to think back on my precious dog lady and remember some of the fun times we had and they were many.

You have a lot of love to give that can now be rechanneled. It is a very individual and personal decision if and when to invite another pet into your life. Realize that sharing your love with another animal is not a betrayal of your beloved pet. Opening your home and heart to another animal can be a way to honor your past pet. If you are unable or not ready to do so, consider volunteering your time or resources at an animal shelter or rescue. Do something to celebrate the life of your furry friend.

“Over and over, I hear people say, ‘This sounds silly, but I've never cried this much over a human,’” I think their grief is sometimes accompanied by a sense of guilt, even when the animal’s suffering is completely out of their control. There’s something about the responsibility we feel for pets, and the ways in which we’re their source of everything, that makes it so hard to face their loss.

Allowing ourselves to retreat from the intensity of these feelings, with healthy distractions such as good movies, friends, and recreation, is another important strategy for healing,  And it’s helpful to remind ourselves that the pain will lessen in time.

Still, there might be moments—passing a pet store, seeing a photo, or discovering a chew toy under a chair—that trigger tears. It’s just part of the unpredictable nature of grief, and reflective of the love that was shared.

7 Ways to Cope With the Loss of a Pet

1. Talk through it. “The best thing you can do is find people you can talk to about your pet,” Find someone who will allow you to talk at length and reminisce.  I work as a grief counselor and if you need support I am here for you.
2. Address any feelings of guilt. While many people hope their pet will pass quietly in his sleep, it may not happen that way. As an owner, you may need to face the possibility of euthanasia. Many pet owners struggle with feelings of guilt at having to make that choice for their beloved friend. Don’t think of it as taking your pet’s life, but see it as a privilege and a gift to spare them from those very hard end stages of the dying process, when there’s a lot of pain and suffering,
3. Consider a ceremony. Many people find great comfort in gathering with friends and family to remember their cherished pet, either with a ceremony before or during euthanasia, or after the pet has passed. A lot of people treat euthanasia as a memorial service or funeral, It’s a time for them to say goodbye and also celebrate the pet’s life. The ceremonies can be gut-wrenching, but also very cathartic.
4. If you have children, help them with remembrances. Children feel the loss deeply, too. Allow them to talk as much as they need to about their sadness. Giving them the opportunity to do something physically sometimes helps kids work through their pain. Children can draw a picture, make a paw print or release a balloon into the sky for their special pet.
5. Take your time. It’s important to go at your own pace. Deal with your grief as long as you need to, and don’t feel rushed to “get over” your sorrow. “Everyone’s grief is an individual process.  We all find comfort in different things. If there are muddy footprints on the back window and fur on the floor, and you’re not ready to give them up yet — then leave them right there.
6. Tie up loose ends. If you’re having lingering questions or doubts about how your pet died, make an appointment with your veterinarian to get your questions answered. Don’t leave yourself wondering for years to come — be sure you can move forward without any questions or doubts.
7. Memorialize your pet. Find a way that is meaningful to you to honor your pet. Create an Online Pet Memorial. Plant trees or memorial gardens, make a donation to a favorite animal charity, have a memorial with friends and family, or install a plaque in the yard. These are some ways to keep your pet’s memory alive. Among the myriad other options are cremation or memorial urns and placement in a pet cemetery.

Indeed, these small creatures leave enormous holes when they’re gone and indelible paw prints on our hearts. Our role, once their time with us is over, is to honor those relationships in ways that best serve and heal us.

After Your Pet's Death

• Allow yourself to cry. Bottling up your emotions is not good for you, and you will feel sad forever. ...
• Talk with your friends about the loss. ...
• Remember your pet. ...
• Go on with life. ...
• Do something in memory of your pet.  Such as a memorial.
• Find a way that is meaningful to you to honor your pet, like placing pictures throughout your home or planting a memorial garden.

Feeling Your Pain

Following the loss of a pet, we need to allow ourselves to experience feelings of pain and sorrow. As a society, we’re always trying to circumvent the feelings of grief. We tell people to keep busy, or we try to cheer people up. But, that really prolongs the grief process.

Good Grief

Grief is an active process. It is important to understand that it’s completely normal to mourn the loss of your pet. You know it’s a significant loss, it’s going to be real and it’s going to hurt, believe me I wish it didn’t hurt so bad.  You have to find ways to cope with it. Don’t ignore it or try to avoid it. Difficult though it may be, be open to feelings of grief when they occur and take the time to work through your sorrow. And, be comforted in the thought that there will come a day when you can remember your friend with fond memories and love from a strong heart.

For me the best reassurance is knowing that we will meet again in spirit.  They’re just waiting for us.

I am a Certified Animal Communicator and can help you with a connection to your deceased pets.  This can often be an incredible healing experience.  Contact me for further information.

I am here if you need someone to talk to.

Many blessings,
Cherokee Billie

https://cherokeebilliespiritualadvisor.com/

Call: (786)-375-5434